Scraps

I started this picture of Tomoe last year and lost interest. Since I'll never be playing her again, I might as well share how far I got.

It was going to be all extreme and red and awesome. This is a good example of the beginning stages of my Illustrator work.

And...

...This is a doodle!

This shouldn't bother me

The best way to describe my time in acting school is to measure out my personal changes.

• The first four weeks I am spirited and dedicated to my assignments. 
• Experience epiphany after disappointing audition. "Is that what I really want?" What follows is about a week of sobbing on the floor.
• Decide to apply to Parsons. A week of "Glad I figured that out quickly." I also go to Florida.
• Return to NY and am hospitalized with a stomach virus. The remainder of the week is spent in bed.
• The remaining few weeks at acting school are uneventful. Peers and teachers give me looks that just scream "As if you can draw."

So in a form of retribution (for lack of a better word), I drew this:

In five minutes, no less. This is a milestone for my photoshop drawing skills. It was a moment where everything seemed to be going right. After completing this, it immediately became my facebook profile picture. It was my shout to the world, "See! I can draw!!"

I know I shouldn't care what they think. It was just frustrating. The whole time I was at that school, I gave away my cards and explained my freelancing work. Not a single person actually bothered to look at my art. 

I also doodled this.

This one is nothing impressive. 

Towers of Flowers

Today I went to the ribbon cutting of "Macy's Tower of Flowers." I'm not a particular fan of Macy's or flowers, but I felt like I had to do something with my sunday.

It was pretty exciting. In line of the JapanNYC events, there were kids performing on taiko and koto (which is what drew me to going to the opening). The arrangements on the first floor were really well done. Each part had plants from different parts of the world. It's a shame it's not permanent. From what I can tell, those plants really made the store feel warmer.

I even bought a purse! That fact in itself isn't impressive. But the fact that I got 2 tickets to a symphony at Carnegie Hall because of it is!

Anyway, I got inspired to draw. I was planning to do a gag pic of myself. But then it became something entirely different. I thought, "Why not make this a commemorative doodle." So basically it's a strange self portrait surrounded by pastel florals and wearing a jacket that I really like. 

It seems my style is changing.

The window displays were very well done.

Not that I have ever been inside that Macy's before today, but there were a ton of people.

I won't lie, this is a pretty amazing location.

I took home some of those paper blossoms. They're nice additions to me walls.

This should be permanent.

The famous wooden escalators

Living art

I have much to show from NY. There should be a surplus of posts coming up.

#2 in the "Coping with Failure" series.

So it seems I shall not be performing in Poland.

Now, before any of you give me "advice," yes, I know actors don't get the job most of the time. But when you talk about it everyday; when it's the only thing you can think of; when you lock yourself in your room everyday just to prepare; when you see this role as the one thing to save you from this debilitating loneliness; it hurts. A lot. Then you start to loathe yourself. Then you start to loathe the human race. Before you know it, you're just hiding in the room you hate so very much.

Earlier in the day, when I still had an once of hope (and restless legs), I went for a walk. It was very cold and very cloudy. But I did feel somewhat peaceful. The park actually felt like home. 

Upon returning home, I immediately took out my wacom and drew this. It didn't keep me from suppressing my feelings. Hell, I need to clean up the tear streaks on my tablet. But this gave me something to do.

Now, for the picture itself, I once again like/loathe it. Painter isn't my strong suit. But overall, I think this isn't too bad. Though the sky ruins it for me. Ahhh I don't know...

Analyze the subtext

So the first proper thing I draw in NYC (and in 2011) is this lovely mess of a...

...what?

I had an audition tonight that I have been obsessing over ever since it was posted. As of the moment, I am anxiously awaiting a callback. This was all an attempt to calm my nerves. 

I feel like this is a reflection of my psyche at the moment. When I started, I had this luminous art-deco idea. Something along the lines of Tamara de Lempicka.  Then as I continued, I was somehow reminded of Picasso. Then I realized that the person had a striking resemblance to my mother! What could this mean!?

Image by Happy A via Flickr

(Coincidentally, that is exactly how I look when I paint).

Even the title is peculiar. I was about to call it "For the Light to Shine Upon It." But I opted for "For the Light to Shine Upon Her." I needed to add the gender specific pronoun; I was getting scared by my own art (A common occurrence). 

In conclusion, not much effort was put into this. I tried to clean up some of the more messy areas, but the overall harmony seemed to be amiss without them. Regardless, there is some deeper meaning to this. I just am a little too nervous to figure out what it is.

Also, an apology to my mother. She is more beautiful than this. But if she wants to, I can make this into an unofficial, accidental portrait. 

EDIT

I think I have deciphered my thoughts! The original design in my head was all glamorous. That derives from my desire to be as glamorous as actress as Greta Garbo. I also sought out the style of Tamara, who happened to be Polish. Currently, performing in Poland is what I have been battling for. Ha-HA!!

I'm not a narcissist! Really!

Today, my mother pointed out that the house is filled with portraits of me.

1. The oil painting I have been racing to finish.

2. The first piece I did on Illustrator.

3. The pastel portrait from AP Studio. 

Coincidentally, it rests on top of the collage of all my class pictures. 

4. This was drawn by Megan Watling. It was an assignment of hers that I modeled for. I'm supposed to be a typical MIAD student, hence the Pabst Blue Ribbon and cigarette. 

It was fun acting like a hipster and being all disgruntled. 

5. A portrait of 11 year old me drawn by my mother.

6. Drawn by my mother before I left to study in Japan.

7. This one is quite old. I was only 3. Again, a drawing of my mom's.

That is a lot. Yet, I have been ignorant this whole time. Not sure how I should feel about this. 

In the finishing mile

Aaahhh I'm almost done!! 

Today was a day of quiet angsting. I didn't get the job I wanted and the housing search is still making me feel helpless. 

So what do I do? Paint crappy paintings! It makes me feel somewhat productive and gives me the illusion of making a difference in the my career. 

Pessimism aside, I broke my promise and worked on the clouds again. I'm satisfied this time. Not going to mess with them anymore!

But my main concentration today was on:

The tank-top! 

I was at a loss as to what I could do to improve it. I had painted it a lovely dark pea-green (note the sarcasm), but it was still too plain. So, I repainted it a greenish brown. Nice. 

Originally, I thought about adding some red. But let's face it, practically every drawing of mine features blue and red. To jazz it up, I added gold strokes!  

The face (and less importantly, the arms!)!

Skin tone mixing is a dangerous thing. I kept trying to "command + shift" everything. Adobe programs have made me spoiled. 

Not what I had in mind

I have been in quite the drawing mood today. Though I would say it is to keep my mind off of everything that has been stressing me. 

I felt like drawing something with actual strokes (as opposed to Illustrator, which is all dot-dot-dotting). What we have here is a craptastic version of a very nice idea that has been floating around in my head. I plan to redo it in Illustrator (you know, for the non-craptastic version). 

The program I used this time was Deviantart's "muro." Is it a good program? I've seen good examples, but I have never been a fan of my own results. 

If I were to narrate my procedure, it would go something like this:

• "Oh, this is such a fun brush! I love how it makes the hair more whispier!"
• "This dress is looking pretty good. Not bad, color palette."
• "These walls...I can't get a good gradation here. Maybe I should try lowering the opacity?"
• "Do NOT lower the opacity! Everything is greeeeeeen!"
• "I was going to draw a shop window, but I think a gray square will be good enough."
• "...I actually liked the hair?"

It got really half-assed by the end. Maybe I should avoid actual drawing programs. They just make me sad.