What is this thing called drawing?

I've returned to NY and am at a loss as to what to do with myself. School starts monday which means never-ending work and hopefully a return to normalcy. I've remembered how anxious I get when I have nothing to do in ny. I know, I know. How could I ever not have something to do in New York? But unlike Madison or Milwaukee, I don't have any special places in the city that I love visiting. Sure, I like the Upper East Side, but until I am rich and successful, it will remain a cruel reminder of dreams that I have no idea how to accomplish.

Anyway, I have nothing to do. I can't concentrate enough to read. My cooking is still pathetic. I am all around in a daze. It also doesn't help that it's the time of the year when I went to Strasberg. So coupling free time with New York covered in snow is the quickest way to an anxiety attack.

So I thought I'd try my hand at working on my latest self portrait. I was a little reluctant since I will be doing this kind of stuff everyday from here on out and should try to reserve my energy, but that is a terrible excuse.

So here is my progress.

Progress, indeed. 

I am just not feeling it lately. I couldn't get any enthusiasm out of this, sooooo I won't bother doing any work on it more tonight. I intend to finish it, though it might be some time before that happens.

It has begun!

State of the Union 2011

It is once again that time of the year when I do a new self portrait.

My original idea was a lot more grim and involved a lot of black. No doubt it reflected my emotions at the time. But now I toss away that black hat and don a martini dress. 

What brought this on? Ever since returning to New York, I have embraced the breeze of a new beginning and long for the luxurious life. The final push was the music from Mad Men. Soundtracks do so entrance me.

So all of a sudden, I crave martinis and little dresses. The former was taken care of tonight, but I can't so easily shake my latest theme. Therefore, I dedicate this year's self portrait to the 60's. Though the novelty isn't lost on me. I am, of course, a student with her head in the clouds. Hence the windows in the back are from my dorm's (My room is actually called the penthouse. Put on some bossa nova!). The Empire State Building also makes an appearance. Though that isn't wistful projections. I can actually see it from my bed!

I'm not a narcissist! Really!

Today, my mother pointed out that the house is filled with portraits of me.

1. The oil painting I have been racing to finish.

2. The first piece I did on Illustrator.

3. The pastel portrait from AP Studio. 

Coincidentally, it rests on top of the collage of all my class pictures. 

4. This was drawn by Megan Watling. It was an assignment of hers that I modeled for. I'm supposed to be a typical MIAD student, hence the Pabst Blue Ribbon and cigarette. 

It was fun acting like a hipster and being all disgruntled. 

5. A portrait of 11 year old me drawn by my mother.

6. Drawn by my mother before I left to study in Japan.

7. This one is quite old. I was only 3. Again, a drawing of my mom's.

That is a lot. Yet, I have been ignorant this whole time. Not sure how I should feel about this. 

In the finishing mile

Aaahhh I'm almost done!! 

Today was a day of quiet angsting. I didn't get the job I wanted and the housing search is still making me feel helpless. 

So what do I do? Paint crappy paintings! It makes me feel somewhat productive and gives me the illusion of making a difference in the my career. 

Pessimism aside, I broke my promise and worked on the clouds again. I'm satisfied this time. Not going to mess with them anymore!

But my main concentration today was on:

The tank-top! 

I was at a loss as to what I could do to improve it. I had painted it a lovely dark pea-green (note the sarcasm), but it was still too plain. So, I repainted it a greenish brown. Nice. 

Originally, I thought about adding some red. But let's face it, practically every drawing of mine features blue and red. To jazz it up, I added gold strokes!  

The face (and less importantly, the arms!)!

Skin tone mixing is a dangerous thing. I kept trying to "command + shift" everything. Adobe programs have made me spoiled. 

I can guarantee it is never normal with me

To (unintentionally) commemorate my 80th post, here is my latest self portrait! It took a weird turn, that's for sure. Though I think I had a feeling it wouldn't be conventional since the beginning. 

It's similar to the first portrait I did (my first piece done in Illustrator!). So I'll say it's a homage (instead of admitting that I lack creativity in self portrait poses). 

Since it is similar to the one drawn in '08, it shows how much personal growth has elapsed. For one, there is a plane, which has become the staple of my art. Secondly, there is a city in the background. I have loved huge cities since I was 3, but it wasn't until recently that I fully accepted that into my life (and ambitions). Thirdly, the color choice is a lot more subtle. In '08, I must have still been lapsing into the tacky japanese glittery-ness that had plagued me ever since teaching. 

For comparison, you may view the 2 year old self portrait. Just click the entire article!

Prescription

I was told by my doctor/ massage therapist that I should draw self portraits. I suppose, as a way to improve my confidence. Self portraits are something that I really enjoy doing. Doing one annually has become an attempted tradition. I'm already failing at this new tradition, though. The first and last one I did was in 2008. I did attempt one while in Japan, but it morphed into the unspeakable creature of what I posted awhile back. 

So anyway, I took his advice, but wasn't in the mood to actually draw. It seems this summer has been a vacation for my creativity as well (or maybe it's due to stress). What gave me the final push was in fact Truman Capote. I was reading his unfinished "Answered Prayers." I don't know if I should blame his drug abuse, but that particular writing frightened me. I was suddenly afraid that my ambitions would lead me down a path of endless misery. So in an attempt to relieve myself of this new stressor, I started drawing this (and stopped reading the book). 

Originally, this was going to be incredibly stylized (possibly like the illustration for Breakfast at Tiffany's). Tough it's about time I realized that I am not so good at straying from my typical style (when portraits are involved). As long as there is a mirror to use for reference, it will always be somewhat realistic. Well, as much as Illustrator and laziness allows.