Scraps

I started this picture of Tomoe last year and lost interest. Since I'll never be playing her again, I might as well share how far I got.

It was going to be all extreme and red and awesome. This is a good example of the beginning stages of my Illustrator work.

And...

...This is a doodle!

#2 in the "Coping with Failure" series.

So it seems I shall not be performing in Poland.

Now, before any of you give me "advice," yes, I know actors don't get the job most of the time. But when you talk about it everyday; when it's the only thing you can think of; when you lock yourself in your room everyday just to prepare; when you see this role as the one thing to save you from this debilitating loneliness; it hurts. A lot. Then you start to loathe yourself. Then you start to loathe the human race. Before you know it, you're just hiding in the room you hate so very much.

Earlier in the day, when I still had an once of hope (and restless legs), I went for a walk. It was very cold and very cloudy. But I did feel somewhat peaceful. The park actually felt like home. 

Upon returning home, I immediately took out my wacom and drew this. It didn't keep me from suppressing my feelings. Hell, I need to clean up the tear streaks on my tablet. But this gave me something to do.

Now, for the picture itself, I once again like/loathe it. Painter isn't my strong suit. But overall, I think this isn't too bad. Though the sky ruins it for me. Ahhh I don't know...

Analyze the subtext

So the first proper thing I draw in NYC (and in 2011) is this lovely mess of a...

...what?

I had an audition tonight that I have been obsessing over ever since it was posted. As of the moment, I am anxiously awaiting a callback. This was all an attempt to calm my nerves. 

I feel like this is a reflection of my psyche at the moment. When I started, I had this luminous art-deco idea. Something along the lines of Tamara de Lempicka.  Then as I continued, I was somehow reminded of Picasso. Then I realized that the person had a striking resemblance to my mother! What could this mean!?

Image by Happy A via Flickr

(Coincidentally, that is exactly how I look when I paint).

Even the title is peculiar. I was about to call it "For the Light to Shine Upon It." But I opted for "For the Light to Shine Upon Her." I needed to add the gender specific pronoun; I was getting scared by my own art (A common occurrence). 

In conclusion, not much effort was put into this. I tried to clean up some of the more messy areas, but the overall harmony seemed to be amiss without them. Regardless, there is some deeper meaning to this. I just am a little too nervous to figure out what it is.

Also, an apology to my mother. She is more beautiful than this. But if she wants to, I can make this into an unofficial, accidental portrait. 

EDIT

I think I have deciphered my thoughts! The original design in my head was all glamorous. That derives from my desire to be as glamorous as actress as Greta Garbo. I also sought out the style of Tamara, who happened to be Polish. Currently, performing in Poland is what I have been battling for. Ha-HA!!